A Moment That Changed Everything: The Birth of Emotional Regulation
There was a time when a woman left me and told me that there was a rage deep inside me that she was afraid of. I had no emotional regulation.
I’ll never forget that.
It was so different from how I saw myself. And yet, it hit so close to home that it forced me to look at myself and my actions. Sure enough, I was guilty.
There were times when I was around her where I would fly off the handle—not at her, but mostly through road rage.
Yet there were times when the stresses and pressures of life led me to lean on her as a way of letting go.
I’d call her and yell about this or that, how I’d been wronged or what injustice had occurred.
I used her love and support to process my own emotions. That’s not a great way to have a relationship flourish.
And she made the right decision by leaving.
Why Self-Regulation Is Key to Emotional Intelligence
Self-regulation is a core aspect of emotional intelligence.
Whereas self-awareness is the ability to see what’s happening in your emotional landscape, self-regulation is the ability to effectively deal with your emotions.
It doesn’t matter very much if you know that you are angry and yet have no ability to regulate it.
We can see how our self is constructed with Lacan, but knowing needs to be translated into doing if anything is to change.
A Lesson in Resilience: James Wright’s Poetic Insight
One of the most significant collections of poetry of the 20th century, The Branch Will Not Break by James Wright, deals heavily with self-regulation and human resilience to suffering.
One poem from this collection, “Depressed By A Book Of Bad Poetry, I Walk Toward An Unused Pasture And Invite The Insects To Join Me,” offers a powerful yet understated guide to this process.
Wright’s poem begins with a clear sense of frustration.
The speaker, disheartened by the mediocrity of a “bad book of poetry,” decides to let it go:
“Relieved, I let the book fall behind a stone.”
From there, they climb a rise of grass and turn their attention to nature. They observe ants walking single file, carrying white petals.
They notice the tired leaps of grasshoppers and the clear, resonant sound of a distant cricket.
Through mindful observation and stillness, the speaker transitions from a state of dissatisfaction to one of connection, clarity, and calm.
This shift—from emotional frustration to peace—is the essence of self-regulation.
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The Power of Letting Go
The opening moment of letting the book fall behind a stone is simple yet deliberate.
I had a mentor who used to say, “First, you must quiet the disturbance,” meaning that the emotion from the problem needs to settle before you can calmly and rationally handle it.
For Wright, this opening moment shows the speaker acknowledging the external emotional trigger and taking intentional action to remove it from their environment.
Space is critical in mastering self-regulation—whether it’s removing yourself from a heated argument, taking a breath when overwhelmed, or finding gratitude in a bleak experience.
Sometimes movement is the best thing to do. Getting out of the situation and going for a walk can often shift our minds from immediate feelings.
Letting go doesn’t mean ignoring the emotions; it means giving yourself the space to approach them with clarity.
Redirecting Focus: The Key to Emotional Regulation
After discarding the book, the speaker becomes immersed in the small and purposeful movements around him:
“I do not want to disturb the ants / Who are walking single file up the fence post, / Carrying small white petals.”
This shows the power of redirecting focus.
Removing the emotional trigger from your environment is useless if you continue to dwell on it.
But as anyone who has tried to control their thinking knows, this can be incredibly difficult.
If I told you not to think about a white elephant, the first thing you’d think of is a white elephant.
What the speaker does here is not forcefully suppress their thoughts but shift their focus to the immediate present—the small movements of the natural world.
Grounding elements like the rhythm of your breath, the texture of tree bark, or the feeling of the wind can help shift focus from destructive emotions.
The Unspoken Depths of Wright’s Poetry
As with much of Wright’s poetry, there’s a lot left unsaid.
He was a principal architect of the Deep Image movement and was deeply influenced by Classical Chinese poetry.
In this poem, the speaker focuses on the images around them rather than their emotional experience.
This invites readers to resonate with a found feeling or meaning, rather than being told what to feel.
For example: “I close my eyes for a moment and listen.”
This line speaks of reflection and calm, but it also acknowledges something vast and unsaid—a higher order to the world.
If this nudges something beneath the surface—something raw, real, or quietly true—step into Emotional Intelligence / Poetic Intelligence. It’s not just about understanding feelings; it’s about navigating power, presence, and perception with depth. For those ready to lead from within.
A Connection Beyond the Self-Regulation
The natural world in this poem is charged with its own order and purpose, entirely separate from the speaker’s ego.
Ants move with purpose, crickets sing, and nature unfolds in its grand complexity.
This world existed long before the speaker arrived in the field and will continue long after. By inviting the insects to join him, the speaker emphasizes connection—not to birds, cows, or horses, but to the smallest, seemingly insignificant creatures.
Even in their smallness, a vast, intricate universe is revealed.
Reframing the Narrative: From Frustration to Perspective
This poem exemplifies a shift in narrative. The speaker moves from depression to connection, but this connection was always there.
It simply required a reframing of perspective.
The reframing of the narrative allows for a higher perspective—a reflection on how individual disappointments fit into the whole.
When freed from immediate emotional triggers and rumination, we gain a 30,000-foot view of our lives. We can see how past disappointments and frustrations have led us to where we are now.
Perhaps the layoff led to your dream career.
The heartbreak opened your heart to a higher love.
Or the woman who left because of your rage freed you from anger.
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